Much gratitude to Lilith Magazine and especially to Ilana Kramer, who so astutely reviewed The Girl in the Red Boots: Making Peace with My Mother. Ilana’s review highlights one of the most important themes of the book: the devastating impact of misattunement. So often I hear people speak about relationship ruptures and failures which occur not due to monstrous behaviors, but to the subtle trauma of misattunement.
What is misattunement? Simply speaking, misattunement is being out of sync with another person’s needs, feelings and thoughts. Misattunement occurs between parents and children, partners, siblings and even between friends.
Attunement is considered a critical component of bonding, especially important to parent-child bonding during infancy and early childhood. Even as adults, our need for attunement is a crucial part of feeling connected to one another. Attunement is the subtle process of letting another person feel that you are aware their needs and feelings by responding in a timely, appropriate manner.
Many people confuse attunement with attachment. Both are important: attachment makes a child feel safe, while attunement makes a child feel valued. Attachment is more about holding, protection and taking care of another on a physical level. Attunement is mostly non‐verbal: that special look of love, tone of voice: how you speak (not just what you say). Genuine attunement is about being feeling seen and known by another.
You can read Ilana’s full review here.
