Judy Rabinor

The Gong

My husband unwraps his birthday present. A low gasp escapes as he gazes upon the brass gong. hanging delicately from a hand-carved mahogany stand. Our apartment is small and the gong is enormous. It glints in the June sunlight.

“It is so beautiful,” he says. “How did you find it?” I shrug. He persists. “Where did you get the idea?” he continues, picking up the cloth-covered mallet. He softly touches mallet to brass and a low note reverberates as the gong sways, back and forth and I am reminded of a cold day in February. Continue reading →

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Reflections on September 11th

Living in New York amidst the flickering memorial candles, flowers, and American flags, ever-present reminders that terrorism continues to lurk, I am touched by a spiritual presence that so often accompanies tragedy. So many of our professional colleagues here and elsewhere have reached out to help those in need. More than ever before, I feel proud to be a therapist. Because stories heal, let me share one of mine. Continue reading →

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Seven C’s in Choosing a Therapist

Recently Laura, a 21-year-old neighbor I’ve known for several years called me and confessed she’d been struggling with an eating disorder. She asked if I thought therapy could make a difference. I assured her that after many decades of working with people with this kind of problem, I know that people can and do recover. She asked for a referral and I gave her the names of three professionals. Before she left, a few more questions came up: How should she decide between the three recommendations? What qualities should she seek? How would she know who was a good match? Continue reading →

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Your Knots are in my Soul

-The Talmud

Establishing the trust needed for deep affect work requires that the therapist’s sense of self be engaged…the patient cannot be expected to rapidly open up to a therapist who remains hidden and shielded. The emotional atmosphere should be one in which the patient feels safe and the therapist brave. The patient’s sense of safety within the therapeutic relationship is enhanced in part by the therapist’s risk taking (Fosha, 2000, p.213). Continue reading →

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Reclaiming the Body: Anorexia and Bulimia in the Jewish Community

“To save one life is to save the world”
– Inscription on the gift to Otto Shindler

Eating disorders are taking their toll on the Jewish community. Once thought to be a passing fad, anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, excessive exercising and a constant worry about food, fat, calories and weight are here to stay. Why has this happened? And what can we do to understand, prevent, and heal this epidemic? Continue reading →

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Mourning Your Divorce: Facing the Tsunami

Recently Rhonda, (a pseudonym) came into my office in a state of despair. She’d been separated from her ex for three years and they had worked hard at creating what seemed to be an amicable custody arrangement. Now, for seemingly no discernable reason, her 12 year old son Marty was lashing out, blaming her for divorcing his Dad and wrecking his life. Continue reading →

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When Divorce Expands a Family

Divorced families are often described as disconnected, diminished and cut off, but last week I met with an old friend, Brandy, who reminded me that this stereotype is often unfair and inaccurate. Brandy’s story offers the opposite lesson: that while divorce brings with it many problems, it can expand and enrich a family, sometimes in incredibly unexpected ways. Continue reading →

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Once Attached, Always Attached

Like many women who divorce, I took my time finding a second husband. For much of the 13 years between marriages, I doubted I would ever remarry. It wasn’t the falling-in-love part that scared me–it was the staying-in-love part that seemed daunting. But life has a way of surprising us, and after a series of long-term, short-term, heavenly and toxic relationships–I met Larry. Continue reading →

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In Praise of Exes

I recently had dinner with three college friends I hadn’t seen in decades, all of us now divorced. Before we knew it, we were talking about our exes. First, Ruth casually mentioned that she was looking forward to having lunch with her ex-husband; they speak frequently, not only about their two children who are now grown, but about old friends and family members. Continue reading →

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Feeling Guilty You Got Divorced? Here’s What You Can Do About It

When a marriage comes to an end, especially when there are children, guilt is a common response. Guilt arises as a result of inflicting pain on another. Parents have an understandable sense of responsibility for bringing hardship into their children’s lives. A parent whose marriage fails is likely to feel, “I made a mistake.” Guilt for bringing discomfort to one’s children is a normal response to divorce. Continue reading →

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