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An article written by Judith Ruskay Rabinor, PhD featured in Renfrew Perspectives Winter 2017 edition

This issue of Renfrew Perspectives concludes with a poignant and powerful essay from Judith Rabinor, a renowned professional from New York City, who squirms as she considers taking a risk in response to her client, Alyssa’s, trigger for her bulimia: “I knew why I’d been so sensitive to her trauma: because our own pain is a window to others’ suffering. I’d had a painful experience being scapegoated when I’d been her age. I wondered if it would be helpful to her to hear that I had identified with her suffering.”

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When it comes to discussing divorce with your children, you may be overwhelmed on where to begin. Plan the conversation ahead of time, thinking of questions the children may have and how you could answer them truthfully. It’s best if both parents could be present when talking to your children about divorce. A child will find security in that, although their home life will be changing, both parents are still going to be actively involved in the child’s activities and day-to-day life.

It likely goes without saying that this discussion is not the time for any snide remarks about the other parent. There are feeling of hurt and/or anger with every divorce, but it’s important to present a united front of the children. Starting off with the children knowing that mom and dad may not want to be married anymore, but your love for them has not changed.

Don’t Use Your Child as a Go-Between

As the divorce unfolds and you move on to separate households, resist the urge to use the children as a go between. Effective communication between the co-parents will prevent the child from having a larger role in the parenting relationship. It’s better to call or email your former spouse directly, rather giving the responsibility of asking questions to the child.

Speak Positively about Your Co-Parent

No one said co-parenting was easy, but by putting your child’s needs ahead of your own anger and hurt, you will continue to raise a well-adjusted child with a realistic view of relationships. There is never an appropriate time to speak badly about your former spouse in front of your children. Doing this will place the child in a position where they feel like they need to defend the other parent. It could also lead to them telling you less and less that is going on in their lives to avoid the conflict.

The best thing you can do for your children in a situation of divorce is to continue to work as a team with parenting decisions. Keep similar house rules, and if you are upset, take the time to discuss when the children are not around. Emailing is also a good option.

Make the Time

Whether have joint custody or another arrangement, take the time and make the effort needed to grow your relationship with your child. If you say you’re going to call, then call. If you say you’re going to pick your child up at a certain time, be there! In many cases one parent sees the children far less than the other, so make each moment count. Put all with electronics. Turn off your phone, and stay involved with your kids.

Children and resilient and will survive divorce, but as co-parents, you need to help ease this transition. Positive co-parents who show they can still work together have a profound impact on a child.